Dear Fiona,
My soon-to-be-husband – let’s call him Frank – is irritatingly uninterested in interiors. I would so love him to have an opinion on the right shade of blue for our bedroom walls, or different sofa shapes, but he just tells me to pick whatever I think is best as regards the blue, while for the sofa his only thoughts go to length, depth and durability, and his contribution to choosing the cover is suggesting that it should be low maintenance (i.e. no white-based chintz, or any stripes with white in them.)
He was interested in the house that we bought, and the kitchen extension that we’ve done and the layout of the kitchen and the number of dishwashers that we’ve got (yes, we got two, before it even became a thing) – it’s just when comes to details, or anything that could be perceived as ‘extra’, that the interest is absent. I, on the other hand, have been reading House & Garden for years, have watched every single Create Academy course, have a sizeable library of interior design books, and decorating my first proper home is something I’ve been dreaming of for years. My pile of samples is vast, and there are schemes literally running riot through my thoughts. Within some of those schemes is wallpaper, but Frank doesn’t or won’t see the point – he reckons paint is cheaper, and easier in terms of upkeep. Other things that he sees as unnecessary include bed hangings, valances, chair skirts, tablecloths, any bathroom floor that isn’t 100% waterproof (I quite want carpet in our en-suite), and marble (because it’s porous, and so stains.)
The other day he described all those things as “feminine touches,” and pointed out that in most species of bird, the female alone builds the nest. He was sort of joking – he 100% believes in the feminist cause – he just doesn’t seem to believe in or see the possibilities of interiors. Speaking to my friends about their partners, it transpires that this is not unusual, and my mother reckons that this is just the way it is – but it strikes me as ridiculous. I know how many extraordinarily brilliant male interior designers there are. How can this gender divide still exist?
I suppose my real question is: can I persuade him to become interested? And if so, how? For I’m genuinely stuck on the shade of blue (and I know that once it’s on the walls, he won’t see the point in changing it if it is wrong – he’ll see them as painted and done) and would love his creative input in rooms where I’m umming and erring over certain fabrics, and whether they can go together, or not – and, ultimately, I want him to appreciate them. For the truth is that I find his approach utterly miserable – I don’t want to decorate our house entirely according to functionality!
Love,
A Frustrated Interiors-Lover XX
Dear Frustrated,
Thank you for your letter – elements of which I think will be relatable for all who read it, for I don’t imagine there’s anybody in the world who has found themselves in a relationship with somebody whose interests – in anything – entirely match their own. I realise you’re not asking for that – you’re simply desirous of some cross over – and I do, you’ll be happy to hear, think that I can help. I also think that relating the issue to gender bias might be a red herring, but since you’ve raised it, let’s start there, because it might provide the odd clue regarding the answer to your real question, i.e. how to coerce Frank into developing an interest that is better aligned with your own – if, once you’ve read more of my reply, that is what you would still like to do. (I know I said I could help, but I haven’t specified how.)
So yes, there is historical and societal precedence – and prejudice – that would suggest that Frank’s lack of interest in decorative detail is entirely normal. Go far enough back, and it was supposedly man who went out hunting while women kept the home fires burning and decorated the walls of the cave with paintings (yes, the first artists really were women.) This state of affairs apparently remained the case for millenia, even as we moved into more considered abodes: “man conceived the great house with its parade rooms, its grand appartements . . . woman . . . planned for herself little retreats, rooms small enough for comfort and intimacy. In short, man made the house, woman went one better and made of it a home,” wrote Elsie de Wolfe in The House in Good Taste in 1913. And yet, as you say, look at today’s landscape: while it’s true that interior design is at first glance somewhat female dominated, there are a significant number of men – of every persuasion – who work in the business of interiors, whether they’re leading interior designers, paint specialists, fabric designers, or antiques dealers – and, actually, there is evidence that all throughout history there have been men who are interested in interiors – and, conversely, women who aren’t, at all – just as there are women who are interested in football, and men who aren’t, at all. It is to do with how our brains operate and form connections, for it’s from those connections that we get our dopamine hits, which is what makes us happy, and leads us to seek further hits, via more connections. While some of that is innate, it can also be influenced by our upbringings – there is a possibility that Frank will have subliminally inferred that interiors are not a traditionally male pursuit and thus not devoted bandwidth to them – and it can change. I know someone who used to pride himself on being able to pack up and leave any flat he inhabited at fifteen minutes’ notice, “without leaving a trace” (he’s a lawyer, but he read a lot of spy novels.) He now collects ceramics, i.e. something that requires specialist packing.
However that change happened organically, and collection and display of those ceramics is pretty much the only thing that interests him – although, and this is worth keeping in mind, it is a natural segue from “how do these vessels look loveliest?” to “what colour shall I paint the wall behind them?” and then “what shape of sofa will best mirror them?” But, focusing on what I said about dopamine hits, what’s important to understand is that some people – male and female – do not instinctively derive satisfaction from the visual aspects of their surroundings, and, therefore, fail to see the value in dedicating time and effort to design choices that might purely be viewed as decorative rather than functional. And, as you yourself have observed, Frank is extraordinarily functional – which, by the way, is a valid style of interior design, and not to be disregarded.
And here’s where I believe I can help – I’d argue that Frank does have an interest, as much as he has opinions, they’re simply not opinions that you share, particularly regarding wallpaper. But as Brandon Schubert points out “creative collaboration often results in much better outcomes than creative isolation” and he explains that he loves working with clients and team members whose ideas differ to his. “It’s great when someone else’s priorities allow us to reshuffle our own way of thinking,” he continues, and that’s an opportunity that you are currently being granted. Because have you genuinely thought through the functionality of some of your schemes? Can you demonstrate to Frank that the areas you are planning to wallpaper are low-risk and are not going to be affected by excess sunlight or steam? Have you told him about the joys of wallpaper varnish? Emma Burns, Managing Director of Sibyl Colefax & John Fowler, maintains that “planning is all; taste follows” – Frank is, unwittingly, providing the planning element to which it wouldn’t be a disaster to adhere. It may mean that you have to practice compromise in some areas – but compromise isn’t necessarily a bad word. Arguably, it’s the mother of discovery, in that you might discover just how lovely an open, walk-in shower can be, something that is only possible if the room is tanked and the floor is fully waterproofed. Functionality can be exquisitely beautiful, and I have no doubt that, with your knowledge, you can pull it off. Alongside, it’s possible that Frank will want to become more involved due to your emphasising the aspect that he naturally connects to.
For when it comes to igniting an interest, key, alongside passion, is to care about what the other person thinks and feels. Currently, Frank’s view and yours are at such opposing ends of a spectrum that you can’t see the line that joins them – but that line is there, you just need to travel down it, and meet him, where you may find that you’re able to entice him on a journey up towards you. It’s a journey that might involve going on field trips – I would suggest starting with interiors that don’t scream form at the expense of function, Kettle’s Yard might well prove a hit. You might also, on the way, find a genuine area of common interest, your own version of the earlier mentioned ceramics collection – which could then inform aspects of your decoration.
At the same time, I’d like you to take heed of that old adage, ‘be careful what you wish for’ – for I do know a couple who have had furious arguments about whether or not to give curtains a braided or tasselled leading edge (to the extent that, currently, there are no curtains) while my husband and I have reached stalemate over the shape of a proposed bed canopy (I want a coronet heading, he prefers a half-tester.) There’s also the possibility that Frank is going to want you to join him in some of the things that he’s passionately interested in. I don’t know his particular peccadillos, but take it from me: touring nuclear power stations has sometimes seemed a high price to pay for an opinion on pattern. Finally, if this doesn’t work, do remember that you can’t force something – and that you doubtlessly have interested friends. Decorating is meant to be fun, but you’ve got to take the joy where it lands.
I hope that this helps –
With love
Fiona XX
